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Christian Jokes
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I Will Be With You Always
A man was painting the church. The minister asked the man to climb up the ladder to paint the eves. The man looked fearfully and said, "I'll be glad to paint anywhere where I do not have to get off the ground".
The minister, understanding this to mean the man was afraid of heights replied, "there is no bases for you to be afraid of heights."
The man said, "Well, it's scriptural to remain on the ground." The minister, looking at the man with a puzzled look on his face questioned, "Scriptural?"
The man said, "Surely you've read "Lo, I will be with you always.
A Christian Pet
This Christian couple felt it important to own an equally Christian pet.
So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular
breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.
When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a
flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied
equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed,
purchased the animal, and went home.
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new dog
and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any
of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they
hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said, "Let's try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the
command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's
forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
The Cleaning Woman
There was a little old cleaning woman that went to the local
church. When the invitation was given at the end of the
service, she went forward wanting to become a member.
The pastor listened as she told him how she had accepted
Jesus and wanted to be baptized and become a member of
the church. The pastor thought to himself, "oh my, she is
so unkempt, even smells a little, and her fingernails are not
clean. She picks up garbage, cleans toilets - what would the
members think of her." He told her that she needed to go
home and pray about it and then decide.
The following week, here she came again. She told the pastor
that she had prayed about it and still wanted to be baptized.
"I have passed this church for so long. It is so beautiful, and
I truly want to become a member."
Again the pastor told her to go home and pray some more.
A few weeks later while out eating at the restaurant, the pastor
saw the little old lady. He did not want her to think that he was
ignoring her so he approached her and said, "I have not seen
you for a while. Is everything all right?"
"Oh, yes," she said. "I talked with Jesus, and he told me not
to worry about becoming a member of your church."
"He did?" said the pastor.
"Oh, yes" she replied. "He said even He hasn't been able to
get into your church yet, and He's been trying for years."
God, Are You Listening?
A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked,
pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature
and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if
he spoke God would listen.
So he asked, "God, are you listening?" And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here."
The man stopped and pondered some more.
He looked towards the sky and said, "God, what is a million years to you?"
God replied, "Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you."
So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder...
Then he looked to the sky again and said, "God, what is a million
dollars to you?"
And God replied, "My son, my son...a penny to me is like a million
dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have
a value it is so little."
The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky
and said, "God, can I have a million dollars?"
And God replied, "In a second."
The Greek Priest
A Greek priest is driving down to New York to see a show,
and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol
on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and
asks, "Sir, have you been drinking?
"
The minister replies, "Just water."
The trooper asks, "Then, why do I smell wine?"
The minister looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "Good Lord, He's
done it again!"
Jesus is Watching
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to
place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark
saying, "Jesus is watching you".
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked
the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he
pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a
bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you. " Totally rattled, he shone
his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest
on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you. " The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are
any way?"
"Moses," Replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed.
"What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name
a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!
Sorry, Wrong Address!
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Little Boy and The Bible
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful e-mail technology
can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his
hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
A Death in the Family
A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a
dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not
appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to the health
department.
They said since there was no health threat that he should call the
sanitation department. The manager said he could not pick up the mule
without authorization from the mayor.
Now the pastor knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The
mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the
pastor called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint him. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The pastor paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his
response. Then, he replied "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead,
but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
Church Bulletin and Service Bloopers
This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service
bloopers:
*Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
*Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
*Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church
and community.
*For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.
*Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the
side entrance.
*Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday
nights. She's used the program herself and has been
growing like crazy!
*The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the
birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs.
Julius Belzer.
*This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and
North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at
both ends.
*Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving milk will please come early.
*This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.
*The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of
the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the
congregation will join in.
*Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray
the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do
something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
*The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
*Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
*Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the
addition of several new members and to the deterioration
of some older ones.
*The senior choir invites any member of the congregation
who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
*At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
*During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare
privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe
supplied our pulpit.
*The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
*The church is glad to have with us today as our guest
minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with
him. After the service we request that all remain in the
sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
*The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
*The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
*Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
*Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in
preparing for the girth of their first child.
*Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items
to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple
children.
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